Swipe, Chat, and Track: Love in the Social Media Milieu

The rise of social media has transformed the way we communicate, work, and connect. While these technologies offer immense benefits, they also present new challenges for marriages, leading to conflicts, misunderstandings, and even divorces.

1. ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ in Social Media and Real Life

Social media posts don’t tell the true story.

It is so easy to live two lives: one for social media and the other in real life.

I was shocked when I was asked to do mediation with a couple, Leong and Ling, married for over 25 years, whose Facebook posts seem to indicate a happily married life with three beautiful children. They shared meals together, went on vacations together, and even celebrate different kids events together.

When confronted together, both of them confessed that they having been living separate lives for more than five years. Wha kept them together were their children. As soon as the youngest reached 21 years, they will file for divorce.

It made me realize the social media posts don’t tell the real stories.

2. Unrealistic Expectations from Social Media

Social media platforms often showcase a polished version of life, where couples appear perfect and happy. This creates unrealistic expectations that can strain real-life relationships.

Excessive engagement with friends can create partner jealousy due to social media interactions (flirting via likes/comments).

This is especially true among Gen Z couples. Recent trends suggest that public sharing can lead to external pressures and comparisons, potentially affecting relationship satisfaction.

• Story: Emma and Jason, married for five years, faced growing tension because Emma constantly compared their marriage to Instagram influencers. “Every post made me feel like we weren’t enough,” Emma confessed. Jason, feeling the pressure to live up to an unrealistic ideal, became distant. Therapy helped them realize that the curated lives on social media weren’t real, and they learned to focus on their unique bond instead.

3. Emotional Infidelity via Social Media

Social media has made it easier to reconnect with old flames or engage in inappropriate online relationships. Some use dating apps (covertly or openly) for extramarital connections. Secretive online behavior (private messages, hidden accounts) can breed mistrust.

23% of partnered adults reported feeling jealous or unsure about their relationship due to their partner’s interactions on social media. This sentiment was more prevalent among younger adults, with 34% of those aged 18 to 29 expressing such feelings.

Another dangerous trend among Gen Y and Gen Z couples is that they often use social media to express emotions and relationship experiences, even sexual experiments publicly. Some even experience pressure to “perform” their relationship for an online audience.

This can have devastating impact when their marriages do not work out. The sense of shame and guilt can have major impact on their mental health, giving rise to depression among these age groups.

Social media is also another source of influence to increased openness to polyamorous and non-traditional relationship models, making them more acceptable and experimentations.

• Story: Dave and Leng were happily married until Leng discovered Dave had been messaging an old high school friend on Facebook. What started as casual conversations escalated into emotionally charged exchanges. Leng felt betrayed, though Dave insisted there was no physical affair. They sought counseling to rebuild trust, but the emotional damage has already been done.

4.Lack of Quality Time

Excessive use of social media often leads to partners spending more time on their phones than with each other. Quality time includes catching up of events and experiences of their spouses and making emotional connections with each other. The issue of neglect has become a very big issue among married couples.

Another issue that has arise among couples is their disagreements over time spent on social media vs. quality time together. Without sorting this out early in their marriage life, can drive a wedge in their marriage.

Fear of missing out (FOMO) due to idealized online portrayals of relationships and digital addiction may reduce real-life intimacy and presence in the marriage.

Studies have linked higher social media usage to increased marital problems, infidelity, and divorce rates. For instance, a study found that a 20% annual increase in Facebook sign-ups was associated with a 2.18% to 4.32% increase in divorce rates.

• Story: Ahmad and Mina, recently married, would sit next to each other, scrolling through Instagram and TikTok, but barely spoke. Over time, their emotional connection weakened. They eventually realized their devices were coming between them and made a rule to put away phones during dinner and dedicate an hour daily to quality time.

Final Thoughts

The role of social media in marriage evolves across generations, with Baby Boomers using it for connection, Gen X for networking, Millennials for self-expression, and Gen Z for engagement and activism.

While social media can strengthen marriages through communication and shared experiences, it also introduces risks like jealousy, unrealistic expectations, emotional neglect, and digital distractions.

For a healthy marriage, couples should establish boundaries, maintain trust, and prioritize in-person interactions over online presence. In my next article, I will suggest practical tips for couples in the usage of social media.

What practical suggestions have worked for you as a couple in navigating through the maze of social media?

If you haven’t shared your thoughts yet, I’d love to hear your insights on ‘Contributing Factors to Marriage Breakdowns and Divorces.’ Your input will help foster meaningful conversations and address these challenges. Feel free to share this with your friends too! Here’s the link: https://bit.ly/surveyfactorsondivorcebreakups.