This article is the 2nd part of a 3-part series on the 7 steps for a Stronger You – how leaders can recover from a conflict and find emotional healing.

In the previous article, I shared about the first two steps in recovery.

STEP 1: REFLECT on the issues and our emotions candidly.

STEP 2: EXPRESS our perspective & intention calmly

Today, I want to share these essential steps for recovery, which will empower you to reclaim control, rebuild resilience, and foster lasting change.

STEP 3: CHECK our perception and way of listening honestly

a. Allow the person to share their perspectives.

After communicating your perspectives, allow the other person to share theirs.

We should be conscious of our tendency to become defensive, listen selectively, find faults, and poke holes in their arguments.

“Listening is most difficult for me, especially when I get into a conflict with my team. Whenever I listen, I listen selectively and am ready to attack their opinions.” A senior leader acknowledged. “But, when I deliberately take time to clarify and paraphrase, I have a better response, and things seem to calm down a lot.”

Let the other person speak, and don’t interrupt or interject. Clarify issues calmly, if needed.

b. Listen actively: focus on the issues.

Clarify to ensure we have listened accurately. Techniques like clarifying questions, paraphrasing, and summarizing will help.

Do it appropriately. If we do not have the skills, a third party, who is competent in doing these can be helpful.

Always focus on the issues of the conflict. Clarify facts and perceptions. Don’t assume or we will make An aSS out of U and Me.

If facts are missing or subject to interpretation, seek new facts before jumping to conclusions.

STEP 4: OVERCOME our Emotions and ‘Hot Buttons’ constructively

a. Maintain emotional control.

Throughout the conversation, it’s crucial to control our emotions. This self-discipline can prevent us from being manipulated or reacting in a way that could escalate the conflict.

b. Teflon the highly charged & unproductive “red button words”.

Be watchful of ‘hot button’ words that might offend us. At times, I often use the ‘Teflon’ (non-stick) technique.

Like a non-stick pan, don’t allow these harsh words or nonverbal to stick on you like ‘wet mud’. Wait for it to dry and then flick it away, without causing any harm.

This technique has prevented me from reacting inappropriately:  I avoid letting these words hurt me. I am able to maintain a calm and constructive posture.

One angry mother’s ‘hot-button’ with her daughter is when asked she would reply, ‘I don’t know’!

She confessed, ‘This irritates me to no end. I will lose my cool. I allow the conversations to escalate. The whole atmosphere becomes tense and cold.

Identifying and dealing with our trigger words can help us better manage our emotions.

c. Resist reacting but respond calmly to issues.

Again, the tendency to react negatively is most natural and very common when confronted by the other party. Little things irritate us. We must stick to the issues and respond calmly to challenges and emotional outbursts.

Remember, it takes two hands to clap.