This article is the 1st part of a 3 part series on the 7 steps for a Stronger You – how leaders can recover from a conflict and find emotional healing.

Conflict is inevitable.
Unresolved and unhealed conflict can become intolerable and exhausting.
Recovery is an essential process to healthier you and healthier relationships.

Failure to do so can breed bitterness, unforgiveness, and revengeful spirit.
Most of all, it can destroy our personal health and affect future relationships.

I have coined this acronym RECOVER to help you develop a stronger YOU.

STEP 1: REFLECT on the issues and our emotions candidly.

In reflection, we examine these four main issues.

a. Recount the key issues.

What are the key issues that have created this conflict? Often, emotions cloud our judgment and color our perception. We become unhealthily personal in our assessment of the conflict.

b. Re-calibrate our emotions

Make time to examine our emotions. Ask, “What makes us angry?” Chen, a senior manager removed from his position, remarked, “I am a very intense person. Whenever I can’t get what I want, I get upset. I push harder. I realize that I made myself angry. That anger caused my derailment.”

Remember, nobody can make us angry; we make ourselves angry. It is important to come to terms with our emotions and emotional makeup, which may have aggravated the conflict.

c. Re-examine our motivation and role in contributing to conflict.

Be honest. What is our real interest? What are we really fighting for? What is our role in the conflict? How have I offended the other party? How have I aggravated the conflict situation? These are tough questions but answering them honestly is key to moving forward.

After a few months of intense conflict with her C.E.O., Rahimah confessed, “I never wanted to help him. I only wanted to get even. The conflict just spiraled downwards from then.”

d. Re-focus on goals in recovery: self-growth, managing issues, and moving forward.

Channel your thoughts and energy towards recovery so we can grow again, manage the issues more effectively, and move forward. What is past is past. The future is in our hands, and it must begin with what we intend to do now to recover.

STEP 2: EXPRESS our perspective & Intention calmly

Reflection must move on to expression. Internalizing and reflecting on the conflict may be helpful, but bottling up the hurts will only cause self-damage. This is especially true for those of us who tend to avoid conflict or give in to conflict rather than deal with the issues.

a. Find the right moment to work through conflict.

Timing is critical in conflict recovery. We must find the right moment to speak directly to the offended party. An informal, relaxed atmosphere is often most appropriate. Formality makes us more guarded, and our emotional antenna shoots up to catch the negatives.

One senior executive shared about the right timing, “I know how important it is to find the right time to speak to my chairman. When he is back from a lousy board meeting, everything is ‘no!’ But if he is cheery and positive after the meeting, you can be sure he will approve.”

b. Express our desire to move forward.

Check your Intention. If we want to move on, declaring our Intention is a critical communication piece in conflict recovery. It’s not just about what we say, but how we say it. A positive, forward-looking intention can set the tone for a productive conversation.

If there is an opportunity for the issue to resurface again, the first order of the day is to declare your Intention. Say something like, “My purpose of coming to see you is to rebuild our relationship”, or “I don’t want to continue our cold war or no holds bar fight. I am seeing you to find out how we can progress in our relationship.”

c. Begin by apologizing for your role in the conflict.

Start by taking responsibility for the hurts we have caused, the words that were inevitably used, and the behaviors that might have offended the other party. Do not justify the cause of the explanation. It will cause a tailspin.

“I begin by apologizing for my part of the conflict to my C.O.O. That helps to calm things down a lot. Swallowing my pride is something hard to do. But I must

weigh whether I want to save my face and lose my team or lose my face and save my team,” one C.E.O. confessed candidly.

d. Affirm what the person has done right.

Communicate the other person’s positive traits: what is right, good, honest, and fair. Recount the positive phrases, feelings, behaviors, and intentions that the other person has said to us in the past. This will go a long way toward preparing the ground for recovery.

e. Express your perception of the conflict.

After you have done the above, share your perspective of the conflict calmly and compose as you can. Don’t blame or attack the other party. Describe the behaviors that might have offended all involved.