This article is the 3rd part of a 3-part series on the 7 steps for a Stronger You – how leaders can recover from a conflict and find emotional healing.

I have shared the first Four key steps for conflict recovery. Too many suffered emotionally angst and relational fallouts when they don’t recover properly.

These are the final three steps to help you recover holistically and fully.
You only know when you have recovered completely when you are able to reach out and love others  again, knowing full well they might hurt you again.

Remember, it’s the practice not knowledge that really matters.

STEP 5: VERIFY our expectations and act on the next steps realistically

1. Be realistic about our expectations

Empower yourself by being more realistic about the way and time it takes for the conflict to be resolved. Often, the conflict issues are still there. It is important for us to manage the conflicting issues. The conflict may not be resolved, but it can be managed and prevented from derailing us or escalating the conflict.

If facts are missing or subject to interpretation, seek new facts before jumping to conclusions.

2. Ask for forgiveness and forgive

Experience the relief that comes from asking for forgiveness and forgiving. If an offense has been made, asking for forgiveness is the right thing to do. If we have been offended, holding on to and nurturing the pain will intensify the wounds. Remember, forgiveness is primarily for ourselves.

 One manager, Lynn confessed,  “The relationship between my director and me plunged so deeply that I can’t help but keep thinking about it. I even have nightmares about him. But one day, I decided that this negative self-talk must stop.

I wrote to her to apologize and ask her for forgiveness for my nasty words. In my heart, I also forgive her for what she did.” Two weeks later, I received her email saying, “Thanks. I needed that forgiveness, too.”

3. Accept the consequences

Understand that the relationship may never be the same again. That’s the reality of life. We have to bear the consequences: it may mean trust has to be rebuilt slowly. We may have to pay the price of what has happened. So does the other person. Accepting these consequences is a sign of resilience and preparation for the future.

4. Take positive steps

Words will not convince the other party. If corrective behaviors are needed, we have to work on them. Sometimes, this involves righting the wrong we have done. Apology, compensation, and symbolic gestures may be necessary to move the relationship forward. For instance, offering to make amends in a tangible way, such as helping with a project or task, can show your commitment to repairing the relationship.

STEP 6: Engage our Learning and Support Group positively

1. Use this painful lesson as an opportunity to learn

Lessons are best learnt in the crucible of life. Take advantage of this experience to help you discover your motives, values, strengths, weaknesses, and psychological temperament.

A senior executive went through a series of ups and downs in her career. Being a very driven person, she never took time off to recalibrate. She jumped into one job after another until she finally took half a year off to reflect and use these painful lessons to learn about herself. She realized that her motive was impure and that materialistic-driven values were wrong. She confessed, “I am now a less angry and driven person. There is more to life than money – relationship matters!”

2. Find support from close friends and family members

Those who recover well usually have strong support groups, be it friends or family members. However, we have to be careful who we find and whose help we seek. Engaging with those who keep our minds simmering in our negativity and brewing our bitterness is common.

“I have to be careful who I confide in. I don’t want people to reinforce my prejudice, stir up my negativity again and pull me downwards.” One chief executive, who had a fallout with the board, confessed, “My wife was most supportive throughout the episode. She kept me focused, reaffirmed my strength, and gently chided me for my misdemeanor.”

People with ample social support are also less likely to suffer from depression, anxiety and other types of mental illness.

More than 100 studies attest to friendship’s health benefits[i]. Strong social networks are shown to:

–                      Boost people’s chances of surviving life-threatening illnesses.

–                      Give them stronger, more resilient immune systems.

–                      Give people longer life expectancies than those without social support.

–                      Improve people’s mental health.

3. Seek professional help, if necessary

Sometimes, the conflict is beyond our capability and capacity to resolve. Seeking professional help must be seen positively, especially in our Asian culture. It’s okay to get professional counseling if we find ourselves spiraling downward, haunted by the trauma. Engaging a professional third-party mediator is another possibility. In some cases, getting an arbitrator to solve the conflict may be the way to go.

“I knew I could not carry on like this. I picked up my courage, gritted my teeth and called a mediator to help me resolve the conflict between my two managers, who had been at each other’s throats for the last six months. This had created such unhealthy competition among themselves and their teams. The mediation worked,” shared the team leader, who was overjoyed by the effectiveness of mediation.

STEP 7: REFRESH yourself genuinely with new relationships and new work

Rebuilding takes a long time. It begins with our willingness to deal with our past and direct our energy to new activities and relationships.

1. Re-establish trust

After a severe conflict, our self-esteem and confidence in the relationship get battered. Trust in people has to be rebuilt. Find someone who is accepting, trustworthy, and understanding because we can’t afford another fallout in the relationship. Otherwise, it will make future recovery even more onerous.

2. Recalibrate our roles & responsibilities

Intense conflict like this is a time to recalibrate what we can and can’t do to reevaluate our contributions and value to the organization. Recalibrating roles and responsibilities means taking a step back to reassess your role in the conflict and your responsibilities moving forward. Finding our strengths and channeling our efforts to build on them can be a rewarding experience as we face the next phase of our lives.

Dan, an I.T. director, was discouraged after he was summarily dismissed from his job after an altercation with his boss. He discovered his true passion for a more humane approach to management, took time to study human resource management, and became a successful HR Director.

3. Re-engage in work and community projects

It is important that our minds are kept occupied with constructive activities. An idle mind is the devil’s workshop. One of the best ways to recover is to keep ourselves engaged with community projects. Often, we forget that there are people less fortunate than us.

A divorced mother who was traumatized by the marital experience got involved in helping orphans in Kampuchea and came back reenergized, “My marital woe pales into insignificance when compared to the orphans. They have so little and so much pain, yet they are still so hopeful. It gives me a new direction for living.”

4. Review progress

Check our progress periodically. The outcomes of a proper recovery are when our dignity is restored, self-growth enhanced, relationships rekindled, and our work becomes effective again. Reviewing progress means taking the time to reflect on your journey, acknowledging the progress you’ve made, and identifying areas where you can continue to grow and improve.