My Biggest Regret as A Dad…The Art of Connecting Emotionally

A parent needs to make the effort in connecting emotionally with their children so that the children can develop good social skills.

“There are parents who speak a thousand words

and still not understand their child

but there are others who will understand their child

by being there, without speaking a word.”

Leaders need to connect emotionally with the people they lead in order to build a strong rapport. This is even more true of a leader as a parent to his or her children.

“What’s your biggest regret as a dad?” I have often been asked this question.

My answer is: “To be more emotionally connected to my children rather than a dutiful but distant dad.”

Some years ago, a Media Corp TV reporter interviewed me during the festive Christmas season.

She asked, “Why do you think shopping malls used children’s delights, like Disney characters, to attract consumers to the malls?”

I responded without any hesitation, “Today parents have no time for their kids. Most of us worked incredible hours, some more than 60 hours a week. Toys become cheap substitutes for what they cannot do for their children. They become surrogate parents!”

Immediately after the interview, the cameraman laid aside his equipment and rushed towards me.

He confessed unashamedly, “John, you are absolutely right! I worked 12 hours a day, chalking a lot of overtime because I want to ensure my kids have the best home and education.

By the time, I get home. My kids are in bed. They leave very early for school. I don’t get to see them, except on Saturdays. Even then, I only have two hours to spare with them because they have tuition and other classes.

Guess what? I bring them to the shopping mall. Buy whatever toys they want. Their toys become their substitute parents!”

In other words, we perform our functional roles as dad, very well but are so emotionally disconnected with them. This is indeed very typical of our Asian culture.

Ask any Asian father, “How do you see your role as a father?” Our traditional response would be…

Buying our children the best toys/gadgets & computers to enjoy.
Making sure they live in nicer homes than what we had.
Giving them the best and highest education whenever possible.
Ensuring they have enough pocket money to enjoy the choicest food.
Feeding them with the most nutritious food to ensure they are in the best of health.
Providing the best doctors and health care for them whenever they are ill.

As dads, we are willing to sacrifice, to work doubly hard, to provide for our children’s physical needs and wants.

Too often, we over-compensate in our effort to see that our children are not deprived. We want them to have a much better life than what we had. This is certainly very noble. But we may have missed out something even more valuable: Emotionally Connection.

In my 36 years of parenting, I realize my children have simple tastes. They want you to be around for them much more than just what you can provide them. More than anything, they want to connect with us emotionally.

Therefore if I ever get to redress the mistakes I made in my parenting journey, I want to become more emotionally connected with them.

How do I do that?

Become more involved in their interests than forcing them to be interested in my interests.
Listening more to their feelings of fear, anger, guilt, and shame, than minimizing their feelings and correcting them.
Putting aside my work and being there for them when they need me rather than insisting on fixed times to talk, when they don’t want to.
Seeking input from them especially on controversial issues rather than being fixated on my opinions and ‘pooh-poohing’ their perspectives.
Having more ‘small talks’ rather than ignoring them or being more preoccupied with my own work.
Having fun and not taking things

I also realized the myth of quality time. Frank Buni describes it most accurately,

“Sustained proximity is the best route to the soul of someone:
that unscripted gestures at unexpected junctures
yield sweeter rewards than scripted ones on date nights.

Conversations slip out spontaneously,
causally in the produce section or over the dishes,
amid the drudgery and detritus of routines.

That’s also when the truest confessions are made,
when hurt is at its rawest and tenderness at its purest.”

Finally, Diane Looman’s poem, “If I had to raise my child all over gain” is most poignant.

If I had to raise my child all over again
I would finger paint more and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I’d take my eyes off my watch and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less and know to care more.
I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.
I’d stop playing serious and seriously play.
I’d run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I’d do more hugging and less tugging.
I would be firm less often and affirm much more.
I’d built self-esteem first and the house later.
I would teach less about the love of power and more about the power of love.

Do you feel like a failure as a dad?
I have learned one more lesson: Recovery is never too late.
It’s never too late to become more emotionally connected with your children.

How do I know?
I repaired my functionally effective relationships with my children some years ago.
Thank God, we have become happier and healthier as a family!