In his book, “High Flyers”, Morgan McCall, cites two critical factors that can derail leaders. First, over-utilized strength can be a weakness and second, unmanaged weakness will derail us. If each of our strengths is a flipside of our weakness, the corollary is also true: with the right action, our weakness can be our strength.

I like his analogy of the mythical phoenix as a great lesson in transforming weakness into strength. The phoenix is a large-sized, strikingly beautiful bird with an extraordinarily long life with beautiful red and golden feathers, setting it apart from commonplace birds.

Despite its remarkable qualities and lifespan, the phoenix was also immortal, in a way. It burned itself to death (or was burned to death) and only after being totally consumed would a new and youthful phoenix arise from the ashes.[i]

This is a useful mindset to have when we are confronted with our weaknesses and the failures that result. I will conclude this article by sharing with you the lessons I have personally learned on how to transform my weaknesses into strengths. It will be a work in progress until the day I die.

[i] Morgan W. McCall, Jr. ‘High Flyers: Developing the Next Generation’. 1998. Harvard Publishing, Cambridge, MA. USA.

One of my areas of expertise is conflict management. I have trained literally thousands of mediators and conflict managers professionally. I have done research and study on this subject.

It is easy for me to advise parties caught in conflict, whether in the office or at home, to ‘stay calm’, ‘learn to listen’, and ‘see the other person’s perspectives’. People often see me as a professional.

But at home, I am an amateur. When I am personally involved in a marital or family conflict, I often lose control, become emotional and react negatively.

It is only then that I realize that I am only human. I don’t manage my own conflicts well, and sometimes, I do it poorly. And I need help. At one point, the conflict in my family was so destructive that I had to see a psychiatrist. That was a significant breakthrough in my life.

I now understand more about the pre-frontal context and about learn about the pre-frontal context and about amygdala hijack, the ‘flight/fight/freeze’ reactions take over when my heartbeat goes beyond 100 beats per minute.

Thankfully, that treatment helped me so much to see my own humanity and understand my kids and myself better. It was a great step to recognizing my human frailty.

My weakness helps me appreciate that I have limitations and recognize that I am no superman – something most humbling to accept. In the past, I was so driven that I thought I could do everything.

But my weakness makes me recognize that I do have limits and don’t have to be the answer. I cannot solve every problem and must leave the role of ‘savior of the world’ to God.

I have also learned to actively seek feedback, both good and bad. Leaders at the top don’t like to hear bad news or get criticism – nobody likes to be reminded of his or her flaws.

Hence it is natural not to actively seek out negative information, especially in a culture of perfectionism. We often want to hear only good news.

I find myself doing the same naturally. After delivering a good training session, I often ask my peers and colleagues, “What have I done well?” I enjoy being affirmed and applauded and don’t take criticism very well.

But part of recognizing our limitations must be our willingness to learn and accept bad news. Our team recognizes that it is much easier to become complacent when we only pat ourselves on the back for a job well done.

But now, it has become our culture to evaluate our team and our performance after each training or consultation session. To ensure that both good and bad points are identified, we use a four-quadrant system: Do More, Do Less, Start Doing and Stop Doing.

We know that we all need to correct each other, which helps us stay humble and keep improving.

A healthy way of handling our weakness is to be able to laugh at ourselves. In fact, I believe that unless we can laugh at ourselves, particularly our weaknesses, we are not emotionally healthy.

The principle is to take God seriously, not ourselves. This frees us from becoming too obsessed with our needs, our idiosyncrasies, our pride, and our failures

My daughter, Meizhi, and I are incredibly clumsy. We trip frequently and have inadvertently knocked over drinks. People tease us about our ineptness, and we often feel embarrassed, get defensive and sometimes, even angry with them.

We tried to justify our behaviors and beat ourselves up inside over this weakness. The more we tried to be less inept, the more we failed and the more people would laugh at us.

But now we have learnt to accept this handicap as part of our givens in life and to laugh at ourselves. It frees us to be ourselves, and we can comfort and support each other and hold each other accountable.